The BUM Report is back for Season 12 with all the Blowouts, Upsets and More that you can handle!  I’m sure you all missed us as much as we missed bringing you the highs and lows of the weekly mishaps in TMVL.  Everyone’s fickle stone-faced program has been playing Hard To Get with former flames, perhaps having moved on to new infatuations, or maybe just toying with everyone in the opening session before revealing season-long plans to mess with certain managers’ minds and match results.  In any case, we promise to reveal all with our patented high-quality journalistic endeavors!

Starting out as usual (because the “B” comes first), we have our Blowouts of the Week for session 1!  We had one match stand out for sheer dominance, and a four-way tie for second place!  Starting with the crowded second place podium spot, there was much mediocrity to be found this session.  The opening round is filled with managers resting stars or just older players not deemed worthy of the CP for Fit boosts.  Only a few managers trotted out a top line in any of the opening matches (more on that in the And More! section below).  Starting in Match 1, we saw Tucson travel to Mat-Su for the conference opener in the Pac 8.  This early in the season, there’s still snow on top of the permafrost, and the Cacti are not fans of any temps sub-Saharan levels.  The 52 road rating tied the lowest rating of the opening two conference rounds.  Mat-Su didn’t exactly roll out the top line (68), yet didn’t need to.  Tucson played a very consistent match, losing 14-25, 14-25, and 15-25, en route to the 32-pt total blowout loss.  The Meese make their early conference mark for Bryce.  Also in Match 1, halfway across the continent, Pekin traveled to Ames and we saw the opposite approach.  The Legume Legion brought the second-highest road rating of the opening weekend (81, tied with the Bullyfrogs), and caught the Artichokes still pushing their way up through the soil (72 home rating).  Roger showed no mercy for his fellow vegetable-mascotted manager, playing semi-dominant ball (25-16, 25-17) in the opening sets before hammering home a 25-10 beatdown to set the Big 8’s early standard.

Back in the Pac 8, in Match 2, San Jose also found the northern climes not to their liking, as the Wolves at Denali come out lean and hungry from their long off-season of discontent.  Andy didn’t let Vick have any breathing room, with the Wolf Pack circling and picking off Shrimp at will in all three sets, 14-25, 16-25, 13-25.  Another 32-point culling of the weak and sacrificial players on a roster.  And then in Match 3, opening WGM pool play, Max’s Scarecrows sent in a truly un-stuffed group to face Mendon on a neutral court.  The Mushrooms were not impressed.  Pierre dropped a 76 rating for the match, 3rd highest behind a 2-way tie at 79 and a 4-way tie at 81 for the highest opening WGM lineups.  Max put out a team rated at 47.  Not a typo.  The next lowest lineup of the entire opening session was 52.  And while we expect St. Charles to mail in the opening matches against his dad (out of a combination of pity and elder-respect, not wanting to embarrass the Clan Patriarch any more than necessary, we suspect), this was a truly amazing feat of non-effort by St. Charles!  What was the lowest neutral court rating all of last season? 52.  Season 10? 50.  Season 9? 49.  Look at Max go!  He will not be denied all sorts of TMVL records!  We here at the BUM Report have no idea what the lowest rating was prior to season 9, as those records are so ancient they’re written on cuneiform tablets for all we know, the equivalent of some BASIC database typed up on an Apple IIE by a third-grader in the elementary school library between Oregon Trail runs.  In any case, we’re giving the title for Least Impressive Effort of Season 12 to Max until further notice.  Oh, yeah.  Mendon pummeled the straw-less shirts on the other side of the net to the tune of 16-25, 13-25, 14-25, and tied the 32-pt total victory.  Frankly, we’re a little disappointed by the pity points they allowed.  This one wasn’t that close.

Speaking of being not that close, it turns out that the Shrimp that didn’t go to Denali in match 2 were hanging out in the southern climes of San Jose in Match 1, and couldn’t be bothered to travel.  Vick’s Crustacean Crew dropped an 83-rating at home in the conference opener, tied for 3rd best of the opening session.  Not too far away (as in, the city that directly borders San Jose to the west), in Santa Clara, Martyn matched the effort, only the opposite.  3rd-worst rating in a conference match, at 54.  Chihuahuas are not exactly known for being large dogs.  And these were the Pups that Martyn sent out.  Set 1 was remarkably close given the 29-pt difference in ratings (tied for 2nd largest of the session), ending at 19-25.  And then the Shrimp found their wave.  Set 2: 5-25.  And four of those points ‘earned’ were errors by San Jose, including two points from a player being in the net along with a service error and a hitting error.  Santa Clara had exactly one kill for the set.  Again, we turn to our unpaid intern army of statisticians, this time with the question: what’s the lowest recorded points in one set in the past three seasons (excluding the shortened set 5s)? And our answer is: 5!  Done twice before through the maximum efforts exerted by San Diego (vs Nashville, season 9, match 30, TMVL Cup Round 2) and last season by Quincy (vs Portland, season 11, match 8, conference play).  San Jose followed up by letting Santa Clara land twice as many points, at 10-25 in set 3.  So an extra-special congratulations to Vick and San Jose for the Blowout of the Week, and holding an opponent to the lowest known single-set score (tied) in BUM Report-recorded TMVL history!

On to Upsets of the Week!  And we were not disappointed.  Especially by Craig, our featured manager of the week for this column.  We open with Dallas on the road, at Quincy, of course.  You already know where this is going.  Dallas came in slightly favored despite the home edge by the Foam-Lipped Mules (76 vs 74 ratings).  The ‘Dogs took it to extra points in set 1 (26-28) and pulled off set 3 (25-22), yet fell 23-25 in both sets 2 and 4 to suffer the early -2 upset, tying at #3 for the week.  Who’d they tie?  Themselves!  Craig did his best to demonstrate his tactical genius and game-scheming superiority in Match 3 vs Alton and the Eaglets.  Dallas brought a 56-rating, to Alton’s 58.  Not making up those numbers.  The combined 114 ratings points tied the lowest of the weekend.  The resulting comedy of errors stretched out both sets 2 and 4 to final 29-27 tallies for Dallas, along with a 25-21 opening set to give Craig the -2, 4-set upset.

Not be outdone by himself though, Craig makes the rare 3-match Upset appearance!  This time in Match 2, at home, Dallas dropped an 80-rating.  Not shabby, as only six teams topped that home rating for the opening weekend.  On the other side of the net came newcomer and clear early Olmec-favored manager Jim with Portland.  The ‘Jacks were jacked for this one, taking the opening set, dropping the second by matching scores (25-22, 22-25) and then Craig and Jim reeled off three straight extra point sets!  27-29 to the home team, and Dallas had hopes of pulling off the home win to redeem the conference weekend.  Dallas had set 4 tied up 24-24 before Portland’s MB Gentry took over.  Kill, ace, done.  26-24 for the Axe Men.  We’ll jump to set 5 late in the set, Dallas serving at 14-15 for Match Point, only to have Portland respond with a kill and then they traded points until 19-18 Portland and Portland’s D-rated OH Walker gets the key dig to set up a final OH Whisman kill to finish off the ‘Dogs 20-18 in set 5, the only extra-point set 5 of the opening session.

Having already seen all 3 of Craig’s matches, who then got the Upset of the Week?  Familiar face for the column, Matt and the Swordfish!  Match 2, conference play, San Diego at Tucson.  It was not Amy’s weekend, getting blown out in Match 1, and then coming home to play a 75-rated team in the Spike Dome and hoping for better luck.  It was not to be had.  Though the match was certainly closer in sets 2 & 3, set 1 kept the blowout feel, with the visiting ‘Fish winning 25-14.  The coach couldn’t get the earlier blowout out of their minds, and though they ended 25-21 and 25-23, key dropped points to kill rallies made the end seem inevitable.  Congrats to be had for our early season Upset leader, Matt and the Swordfish, and not just the Upset of the Week, the first and thus-far only Upset Sweep of the Season!

For the And More portion of our column, we’ll highlight some early season stats to beat, and some early season trends of interest to us here at the BUM Report, where the odd and rarely-seen are to be commemorated in at least a dash of glitter from a sole party-popper (we have to make our bargain bin 10-pack from the Dollar Store last at least half the season).  We’ll make it a Did You Know, so you can comment below, “Yes, yes I did.  I should totally write this column instead of this hack.”  We will accept such answers as applications for future guest writers for column enhancements and special features.  You are forewarned and forewelcomed to apply!

Did you know that in match 1, the Big East featured all 4 away teams favored to win, and all four away teams also actually won?  And then those same 4 away teams were all favored at home in match 2, and also all four won, giving us 4 2-0 teams and 4 0-2 teams?  Not sure we’ve seen that before either, though our interns have all left for the night, having to get home for bedtime stories to be able to make it up on time for pre-school tomorrow.  Loafers.  Did you know that in match 1 all four Pac 8 home teams swept the away teams 3-0?  The West Coast does not like to play nice or share with others.  Perhaps they should hang out with my interns tomorrow morning and learn some better manners too.  Did you know that Manitowoc has started out 3-0 for the first time in team history, soaring out with two 3-0 sweeps in conference play to boot?  Did you know that the team flexing the most session 1 might was James and the Alton Screaming Eagles?  83 road rating (best of the session), 86 home rating (also best), and then a final… 58 neutral court (see above).  Well, at least they were flying high for conference play!  Did you know that the best neutral court lineup of the opening session was 81, and four teams hit it? Columbia, Burlington, Denali, and Nashville.  To top that, Denali and Nashville played each other, with Roy getting the early group lead in four close sets.  In completely unbiased other news, Olmec has approved Nashville as a team that everyone should play a top lineup against, until further notice.

And we’ll finish with our The Opposite of Trying (TOoT) award for the week.  While there were two matches where teams combined to post a joint rating of 114 pts, the Dallas-Alton neutral court match was already featured above. So we’re giving this week’s award to the other one.  Match 2, conference play.  Schenectady @ Manitowoc.  Derek gets a little credit here, as he pulled a 3-0 weekend and balanced his lines to not really throw any match.  The 61 at home wasn’t the lowest of the weekend (Sheboygan and St. Charles both sent out a home-rated 58).  Brian’s 53 on the road also wasn’t the lowest (Tucson and Albuquerque put out road-rated 52’s).  Combined though?  They matched the lowest effort while including the home bonus for the Gargoyles, so we’ll have to call this one The Opposite of Trying for the week, with even Olmec wanting it to get over quickly, with a 3-0 home sweep for the Igneous Walltoppers.

What befell John H, last season’s Olmec Darling?  Did Olmec take offense at the Bats failing to put out even a single 60+ lineup?  Has Olmec taken a shine to Derek, or found the new guy, Jim (also 3-0) to be an early-season fancy distraction?  Will Steve resume winning everything he actually tries to win?  Are the Hogs playing dead to fool everyone into thinking they are not going to dominate for the fifth straight season (putting out a mere 55 in match 2), or just handicapping their own odds of yet another 30-win season to increase the challenge level in a Craig-like way because the rest of us clearly aren’t challenging James enough?  All this and more will the BUM Report sort out in the coming weekends!  Until then, comment below as you see fit for what we missed of note in the opening session!