Season 13 is upon us and we couldn't be happier!  Within the first weekend we already have things never seen before* in TMVL! (*editor's note: "never seen before" means not seen since the BUM Report's official records began compiling league stats and oddities at the start of season 9)  Oh, shush it, pesky desk jockies!  We shall amend our prior comment to note that we haven't seen anything like it since perhaps the olden days when the game was played by hurling a live goat back and forth over a picket wall of spears flying the scalps of the team that finished last in the conference the prior season!  We should also note that all those ancient and thus now-irrelevant records were recorded on cuneiform tablets that have since been destroyed by an ill-advised large-scale dominoes setup in the records rooms.  It was epic.  And so was the cleaning crew's overtime bill.

And yet we know you're not here to commisserate with our editing or accounting departments.  You are here for all things Blowouts, Upsets and More!  And thus we shall jump right in with our alphabetic and anacronymic lead-in: the Blowouts of the Week!

We start in the SEC, Match 2, Antioch at Kentucky, where the GlowGuppies sent the minnows upstream to the Bluegrass State, knowing that cats like fish.  Like, "like like" fish, in the way that twisters like trailer parks and Alton likes 5* recruits.  As Rob played far more robust lineups in the conference opener and the in WGM group match, perhaps the 65-rated team is the best they could do.  Matthew, however, was not impressed, though perhaps grateful, as their solid lineup feasted on deep-sea denizens.  Set one opened and closed quickly, with the Purple Panthers (we refuse to call them Matthew's requested nickname of purple people eaters, mostly because there are no 'people-like' mascots in the SEC and thus no one to eat, killing the fun of a nickname in this column) doubling up the 'Fish and then one, 12-25.  Rob quickly rallied the team to a 25% improvement for set two, leading to just a 15-25 loss!  Perhaps content that they had done enough, or maybe thinking that if they got done quickly enough then they could save a few bucks on the parking garage fare, they settled for that same score in set three, and Kentucky coasted to the combined 33-pt blowout, good for our #3 Blowout of the Week!  On top of that, the sweep here plus the 5-set loss in the opener has the Kentucky faithful boasting top spot in the SEC this week, on tie-breaks over the other 7 teams also standing at 1-1 after session 1!  Congrats to Matt and the Kittens!

Also in match 2, this time in the Pac 8 where prior seasons have shown us that lop-sided team ratings are all the rage for the first several sessions.  Tucson and the Spiny Spikers hitched a bus to their easterly neighbor state, where Albuquerque and the Trash Pandas were delighted at the prospect of overflowing dumpsters outside the arena again!  The anticipation of post-match delights had the 'Coons worked up to a chittering fever pitch once they saw that the Cacti's road team amounted to an average 50 rating.  The 29-point rating difference was the 3rd-highest of the session, as Randy left little to Olmec's fickleness for the home opener!  Perhaps hearing how the Antioch-Kentucky affair played out for an opener (two time zones earlier, so we're assuming that one was already done by the time this one hit their first serve), the Masked Bandits were not going to be outdone by a pack of felines.  Hitting their hump-backed strides quickly, Albuquerque jumped out to a similar 12-25 opening set, then upped the ante, taking set two 11-25!  We can only guess that as set three rolled on and the fans started leaving the arena and dumping popcorn and nachos in the trash cans as they went, the 'Coons got rather distracted from the small white bouncing thing that they're not allowed to eat.  They finished off Amy's side 17-25 for their worst set, yet still landed the #2 Blowout of the Week at a combined 35-pt win!  Congrats to Randy and the Raccoons for a solid home opener!

For our #1 Blowout, we'll be rewinding to match 1, where nothing resembling sanity and typical lineups can be expected as resting starters, new managers learning lineup strategies, old managers trying some new combos, and general Olmecery occurs.  And in typical Olmec-fashion, even our #1 Blowout is atypical as we have a tie for the #1 slot!  We'll stay in the Pac 8 to start, with Bryce's Mat-Su Meese traveling well outside their preferred northern climes to the inhospitable environment known affectionately (to some) as The Spike Dome.  While not as bad as Thunder Dome (since both teams are usually allowed to leave after the match, because the law would call it kidnapping or Unlawful Restraint or some other obscure legal term if they weren't), I can absolutely see Amy getting the home crowd hyped up by coming out dressed as Tina Turner from the aforementioned film.  This needs to be a picture, or perhaps will be on a future BUM Report graphic!?  Wardrobe aside, there were lots of spikes from one side of the net, and not much digging on the other.  Set one ended up to a now-familiar tune: 12-25. A matching pace, yet one that fell off quickly, as the best-bearded team in the league mustered a Mighty Meese response to rally up to 17-25 for set 2!  Now off-pace from a possible blowout, drastic measures had to be taken.  Players showing any signs of mercy would no longer be set.  Only killers as cool as the heart of a desert Saguaro at midnight would be given front-row attention.  And the directive paid off!  Mat-Su won the first point, and served at 1-0.  Tucson got it back and rolled five-straight before Mat-Su got their 2nd point.  Then from 2-5, Mat-Su serving (a service error by the way), Tucson's Quinn served 16 times.  It went from 2-5 to 2-20 before Quinn, with his arm hanging limp and mostly pinned back into place by spines plucked from his teammates' backsides between points, finally couldn't get the ball over the net any longer. Service error and side out, now 3-20. Match all-but-over, Mat-Su at least made it a respectable final 9 points, winning 4 of them, to finish out the set 7-25, and Amy and the Spikin' Saguaros earned a tie for Blowout of the Week!  I don't know if we have ever seen a 16-pt run before in this league, and when we asked our crack BUM Report archive team to go check the records, we got mostly ignored, unless you count someone burping in our general direction as a reply.  So though we don't know if this was the highest-ever run on points, it certainly is our new bar by which all future runs will be tested!

Back in the Midwest, meanwhile, the defending SEC Champ Nashville Firefoxes were traveling to the one and only Teutopolis, where the Twisters were whirling up a welcome party befitting the Windy Ones' hometown reputation.  It should be noted that in season 12, no team put out a higher home (97), away (94) or neutral court (94) lineup than Nashville.  It should also be noted that in session 1, no team put out a higher home (87) or neutral court (84) lineup than Nashville.  It must also be noted that apparently that leaves very, very little for the opening away conference match, as only two teams put out a weaker away lineup in the opening session than Nashville's 52.  T-Town treated them like their own personal trailer courts, tossing things wherever they wanted, as they sent out an 86-rated lineup, 2nd highest of the whole session.  The 34-ratings-points difference was our largest of the session.  Though Nashville's opening two sets ended in the 'not-really-a-blowout-range' of 16-25 and 14-25, it was set three that made the difference.  Roy's team completely fell apart from 2-6 to 2-16. Hitting errors (3), digs by T-Town followed by kills (4), and aces (3) abounded as the home team buffeted and hailed on the visitors.  Nashville pulled a few more points back to get to 6-24, only to serve one out and end the match 6-25, a combined 39-pt blowout tied for our top of the week!  Nashville along the way now sets the season 13 bar at fewest points earned in a regular set, getting just 6 points in set 3, and also has the dubious honor of having his team hit for a combined negative across an entire match, at -.018 (57 attacks, 16 kills, 17 errors), along with 0 aces, 5 service errors, and 14 receiving errors (to T-Town's none!).  I have no doubt that Nashville will return to their blood-letting ways very soon.  In this one though?  Those stats might hold out season-long as testament to C-Ball and T-Town's tied Blowout of the Week, largest power difference, and fewest points allowed in a set!  Congrats, Mike!

And on to the Upsets!

Matt and the Swordfish of San Diego are regulars in the upset department.  In season 11, they set the all-time highest upset at -16.  Last season they tied the top upset sweep at -7.  This season?  They started early.  The BladeBeaks were at home to the Livid Lupines of Denali.  Andy's Peeved Pack were +1 rated on average, 76-to-75, or in other words: right where Matt likes 'em.  After taking the first set 20-25, Matt let Denali rally in set two in extra points, 26-24.  That was enough kindness from Team Xiphos.  Sets 3 and 4 went 21-25 and 23-25 as the 'Fish made the early splash in the upset pool, though only at -1, as they sliced and diced their way to the #3 Upset of the Week!

In second place... we're going to hold off for now.  Trust us.  This one needs its own space.

At the top spot of the weekend, we head to a regular source of BUM Reporting delight: match 1 of Big East play between Cincinnati and Manitowoc.  The scheduling powers seem to really like this matchup, hitting it now a fourth time in nine seasons as the opener, and three of the last four seasons.  Manitowoc has won each of the last three.  Porkopolis was due for revenge.  The Winged Hogs flew into the Walltoppers' court rated 4 worse, 68 to 72, and the opening set played out that way.  15-25 to Derek's squad.  James T and the Tusked Terrors battled back to take both sets 2 and 3, 25-21 and 25-22!  Now trailing, the Gargoyles found new life and dominated large stretches of set 4, winning 18-25 and setting up a set 5 to keep their hog-tieing streak alive!  Porkopolis got out to a fast start, leading 6-0 before the Walltoppers got their first point.  Manitowoc went on their own mini-runs to get it back to 10-7, before faltering again and Cinci led 13-8 and then 14-9.  Facing match point, the Stone Spikers had three straight points of a dig followed by return kill to bring it to 14-13!  Now with a chance to tie, Cinci finally got their kill, and ended the match 15-13, with the -4 Upset and the #1 Upset of the Week!  Along the way, they set the season's mark for "anti-blowout" too, winning the match despite being outscored by a combined 8 points!  While the -4 upset probably won't hold, the -8 points in a win would have been the overall top mark last season.  Congrats to James T for the Upset of the Week!

And now on to other aforementioned matters.  We direct your attention to match 3, WGM group play, round 1 on neutral court.  Pekin v Schenectady.  This was most certainly a BUM-worthy match to behold.

We'll start with the opening lineups:  Pekin rated at 51.  Schenectady rated at 48 (tied, 2nd-lowest of the session).  The combined 99-ratings points is, as far as we can tell, the lowest combined total rating.  THE lowest.  Certainly the lowest since the start of season 9.  Last season's lowest was 112, and we can't find any prior ones lower than 108 in our AI archives (Annals of Ineffectiveness, all our intelligences here are most assuredly not artificial, and thus why they are also highly and very naturally flawed in many imaginative ways).

The stage set, we now turn to the match play.  If you were ever wanting to learn what a "kill" is, look elsewhere.  If you wonder what a "dig" is, this had plenty!  The Pod People finished this match with 70 digs, 70!  And the Arboreal Rodents dug up 57 nuts of their own!  We don't track digs at the BUM Report, because that's generally a good stat by good players and thus has no business in this column.  127 combined digs, though?  Crazy!  Set one featured 7 points where there were two or three digs in the same rally.  Only two players on the court, coincidentally the RS for both teams, seemed to know how to hit the ball away from people.  The Legume Legion's RS Donnelly hit .326 (25 kills) while the next best on the team hit .143 and the rest combined had 29 kills.  The Squirrels did one better, as RS Cubit "hit" .189 and had 21 kills, tying the rest of the team combined on kills (21) and the next best hitter was rated .057 for the match.

Here's how set 1 played out, starting at Pekin 22-Schenectady 24, set point #1, Squirrels serving: service error (23-24), Squirrels received at set point #2 and then a hitting error (24-24), Squirrels received and hit (dug) and then Peas attack error (24-25), Squirrels serving set point #3 and it was another service error (25-25), Peas service error (25-26), Squirrels serving set point #4 and finally got the dig/tool kill by Cubit to end the misery at 25-27.

Set 2?  Three separate times the teams traded service errors back-to-back and then topped that with a streak of three-straight service errors, at a critical time on set points from 25-24 to a 26-26 tie!  The set stayed close the whole way as they continued to rack up dig after dig, with crazy rallies like at 8-7 where they had 4 digs in the same point, then upped it at 15-15 with 5 digs, and at 20-21 with 6 digs!  And then things really got weird at 29-28. Pass-set-kill (29-29). Pass-set-kill (30-29). Pass-set-kill (30-30). Did they swap out both teams at this point with random people from the stands?  Then from 30-30 we saw another seeming-impossibility in the match:  Ace.  Ace.  We have no explanation.  Squirrel win, 32-30, our highest-scoring set of the week!

I will spare you the theatrics of sets 3 and 4.  If you like service errors, attack errors, and digs, go watch them yourself.  Both sets ended identically, 25-22 Pekin wins.  Because of course this match needed a set 5!  Thank you, Olmec!

Set 5 started well, Pekin kill. 1-0.  Followed by serve out, attack out, attack out, attack out, Cubit kill, attack out, Cubit block, serve out, Cubit kill... and then to remind everyone that nobody in this match is actually a good volleyball player, Cubit followed that with a service error and backrow attack out.  A 4-dig rally and 3-straight service errors later... we'll just fast-forward to Peas 12-Squirrels 14 and Match Point #1. Of course it was a service error by the Nut Munchers!  Now 13-14, there was a middling receive, a good set, and a dig, and another dig, and WAS THAT A TOOL KILL?!?  Merciful Olmec saw fit to end this travesty of volleyballery at 13-15 set 5, which also gave us all sorts of BUM Report fodder!  -3 Upset?  #2 of the Week!  Combined 99 rating?  Lowest in four seasons, possibly ever, so this has also got to be The Opposite of Trying (TOoT) match of the week!  Combined 236 points?  Highest of the season to date and would have been #2 last season, so it's clearly the mark to beat!

And then the winner.  The Nut Munchers just won a match with an F+-rated lineup of 48.  We had to go digging in the archives for this one.  Between naps and GoGurt tube refills, our research team found the prior low from seasons 9-12. Most seasons didn't come close.  Season 9? A 60 won, yet over a 52. Seasons 11 and 12 didn't have any team win lower than 54.  And then we found it.  Coincidentally, it was also a match 3, WGM group play.  The Diminuative Doggies of Santa Clara, in season 10, pulled a -8 upset when rated 50 (also an F+ rating).  And now that mark has fallen.  Raise a cold one to Beerman, for setting the new record for Lowest-Rated Team Ever to win a match, i.e. the WWE Title Belt, Worst Win Ever!

And on the "More" front, it turns out that there actually were some teams trying to win by playing guys who know how to hit the ball inside the lines.  Some impressive early lines were posted by Columbia (84 away), San Jose (83 home), T-Town (86 home) and Nashville (87 home).  On neutral court, it looks like Music City (84), the Trailer Park Terrors (82) and the Fighting Fungi (80) are pushing for WGM home seeding.

We shall end our season-opening column with the inspiration to all the teams facing a bleak and near-certain defeat at the hands of an opponent appearing to hold all the advantages.  An appropriate reply for teams such as the Squirrels, coming from Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe of the 101st Airborne, during the World War II Battle of the Bulge.  When given the ultimatum to surrender by the encircled German forces around Bastogne, the reply is recorded as being: "To the German Commander:  NUTS!  The American Commander."

Defeat is never certain when Olmec is in play!  Best of fortunes to all! And for those who fail to find the best of fortunes, we look forward to welcoming you into the BUM Report next session!