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Do not mistake Arlington's finest for their related kin, the aardvark. Aardvarks live underground in tunnels and dens. Anteaters do not, sleeping above ground in dense brush or tall grass. Aardvarks are from Africa, preferring more open grasslands. Anteaters live in the forests of Central America and South America. Aardvarks eat almost only insects, and rarely anything other than termites and ants. Anteaters can (and will in captivity) eat fruits and meats, even though they prefer smaller insects like ants and have no teeth (they have gizzards that can break down the food). Also, a subspecies of anteaters, the Tamandua, have prehensile tails and climbs tree and move through the forest canopies like very slow monkeys, or their taxonomic cousins, the sloths. Why does this matter? Because these Worm-Tongued Warriors can ambush you from hiding, and will devour you like a fruit, veggie, or very small mammal en route to a 3-0 weekend! See above image taken by a BUM Reporter live from the last session of matches, just before we escaped their tenaciously clawed grasps and thirst for dessert! Who will be their next meal? Alas, it's everyone's favorite underponies! Alack, poor Quincy, we hardly knew thee! But here at the BUM Report, we're already looking forward to the Blowout to come!

In any case, we're back with all things in TMVL that get your blood boiling here at the BUM Report, for Season 12, session 4! And this week we're mixing it up and going chronologically, to get match 10 out of the way fast and furiously ("But wait!" you say? Are they allowed to do that? We're not sure either, yet we know that there are no rules around here, as we celebrate all things from the "How in the Bits and Qubits did THAT happen" spectrum of Olmec's Kingdom!).

Match 10 was remarkable for being rather unremarkable and totally non-celebratory, even by BUM standards. Only five of the sixteen matches in conference play were separated by double-digit team ratings, only one over 20, thanks to at least Alton trying to get a BUM-worthy match result for us. We appreciate it, James! Not a blowout was to be found though, and only a minor five-set upset (-4), by yours truly over the Kentucky Kittens. We're rathered embarassed that we put out a weak lineup of 70 to start with, though that was still better than half of you for match 10! Matt deserved better than the "L," yet still got some sets for the youth himself. They're better than the record suggests, and have had some of the worst luck league-wide to date.

But at least there's this: the only other match 10 "clash" worth Ignoble Mention is our The Opposite of Trying (TOoT) match of the week! Match 4 always brings competing competition values. Conference road play when there's also a home game and the WGM Knockout opener is tricky to navigate. Balancing lineups and getting quality players spread around is tough. So some managers simply don't bother, and just tell "whoever's left" to go out and find a position on the court. We're looking at you, Steve-Steve-Stevie-O! The once-to-be-feared Round Red Regiment and their enigmatic ways (are they a fruit, a veggie, alien infiltrators sent to stain all our clothing before the invasion begins while we're waiting for the long wash cycles to finish?) were most certainly not on display here. Columbia dropped a 61-rated team on the court. That was good for the lowest away team of all match 10 lineups. Pretty sure they even played a guy not on the roster before the session, as some kind of dubious fan promotion given to a drunk frat boy who accidentally sat in the visiting team section: "Win a chance to play with your (soon to be ketchup) Team!" Meanwhile, Arlington, clearly sensing the incoming feast with deft flicks of their super-powered tongues, made some swift lineup changes and fielded a team "just good enough" for the match. Their 68-rated home team tied the lowest of the conference games for the session. The end result was still a 3-set sweep for the Anteaters, progressively worse for the away team (as the frat boy kept drinking not-water between sets and trying to get the rest of the team to play as "skins"), 23-25, 19-25, and an utterly apologetic 13-25 as even Olmec couldn't get this match over fast enough. The combined 129 rating was the lowest of the conference matches and second lowest overall of the session (more on the other later). So, the Opposite of Congratulations to Columbia and Arlington for The Opposite of Trying match of the week!

And so we move on to Match 11, and what a wonderful number 11 turned out to be! We had Blowouts! We had Upsets! We had 5-set nailbiters and a set going into the 30's for both teams! We'll start with Big East play, where Goliath, Brooklyn, Bronx, and the rest of the Igneous Walltopper crew traveled to the Arboreal Playland of the Nut Munchers. Manitowoc brought a 59. Schenectady posted an 81 average. Three quick sets later, the bruised and battered Gargoyles flitted back home missing chunks from unmentionable places, and Beerman's Boys capped off a 32-pt Blowout that featured 13-25 and 12-25 dominant sets, good for #3 on the Blowout of the Week! (tied with WGM match 12, where Merritt Island decided to not try for an upset and sent the reserves to the Mystic Northwest where the Dancin' 'Squatch also pulled a 3-set Blowout sweep! This makes how many sessions with a positive Jason reference? Is Olmec broken, Max?)

And at the #2 Blowout, it's our friends in the Pac 8 yet again, featuring column regular Martyn and the Chihuahuas (prior to the demise of their sacrificial bench player at the claws of Arlington in the yet-to-come WGM match) as they traveled to Albuquerque. Martyn's 57-rated team was the lowest away rating of both match 10 & 11, while the Trash Pandas put out a respectable 78. The size-challenged canines were not up to the task of taking down the Masked Bandits, who waddle-walked away with a three-set sweep, 14-25, 14-25, and capping it with an 11-25 domination, landing at a 36-pt blowout, our second-highest of the week!

And we had a Sellers v Sellers Father-Son duel in match 11 as well! St. Charles at Quincy, with bragging rights and expected T7's on the line and everything! And boy, were we... disappointed. Al sent the second team, posting a 76-home rating. His road match was higher (81, in a futile effort at Dallas to overcome a tactical genius in his own backyard battlefield), and mustered an 89 for the WGM match. So, clearly, this was the "B team" match. Max put out a 59, which is whatever is below the B-team, impressive for a roster of 17 players. Two C-rated seniors (Martinez & Morales) were the top-rated players for the strawless shirts and rotting gourd-lineup that took the court. Max's devotion to his family and pity upon his father's rebuilding and perpetually outmatched underMules is moving, almost tear-jerking, and also... Truly Awesome in that it just gave us the Upset of the Week! Everyone take note that while Max may have taken it easy on good ol' dad, Al, on the other hoof, did not! Quincy was ruthless in their B-team beatdown of the Easy-Street 'Crows, "letting" them win 14 points in the first set before turning up the heat progressively by 14-25, 12-25 and 10-25 tallies. The 39-pt total Blowout ties our third highest of the season, so congrats to Al and the Mules for the Blowout of the Week!

On the Upsets end of all-things-BUM, we had some doozies! We'll start with the 'lowest' upset of the week, yet perhaps the most interesting! Still in Match 11 conference play, as Pekin (road 90, a new league-wide high for the season!) traveled to Columbia (92, tied for 2nd-highest of the season!) for second leg of the TMVL Big 8 Salad Bowl! As you may recall, the Legume Legion won 3 sets to 1 in the opening session, at home. No doubt, Steve wanted revenge here and played a lineup worthy of it. And then things most certainly did NOT go to plan! Pekin took the opening set 25-21, defying the odds. Then in set 2, Olmec kept playing with Steve's heart. Columbia served for set point at 22-24, 27-28, 29-30, and 30-31, only for Pekin to roll 3-straight points by kill, attacking error (by Columbia's 20 Atk MB Morgan!), and capping it with an Ace for the 33-31 victory, our highest-scoring set of the weekend and 2nd-highest this season! The Tomatoes were clearly Crushed (or perhaps just Petite Diced) as they put up little fight in set 3, falling 25-19. You guessed it then, yes? This Upset, though only -2, was our only Upset Sweep of the Week, so congrats to Roger and the Legume Legion! Another note for this match: if you want to leave your mark as the top-combined ratings teams of the season, currently you have to clear several matches in close competition in the high 170's. This match just blew those away for distant #2s and the other not-winners, capping out at combined 182 team ratings, our highest of the season to date! So there's at least that, Steve! Good enough silver lining or consolation? Like finding out you get a free 2nd pack of ranch dressing to go with the Salad Bowl? At least the BUM Report loves you? Great having you here, in any case!

Though we didn't have any more Upset Sweeps, we really took it up a notch for the Upsets. Moving to Big East conference play, Bullyfrogs at one of our favo(u)rite BUMmers, the one-and-only Mr. John H and his Brood of Bloodsuckers. Oh, the fickle Olmec, and the pain of those left behind when Ol' Stone Face turns away with the sound and finality of the cliche stone door rolling into place just seconds before our heroes can esacpe certain doom! Burlington's road 81 was not to be sneered at, yet the 87 home rating by the Bats was also impressive. Sheboygan even threw their prior road match at Manitowoc (63 road rating) to be able to fly the T7 high in this one. Sets 1 and 2 went the Bats' way, 18-25 & 23-25. The Bat Cave was near-defeaning with high-pitched squeeks of delight! And then the 'Frogs finally seemed to pick up on the flight patterns and adjusted the tongue-launching angles for their blocks. 25-22 in set 3 as Aires sensed weakness. 25-19 in set 4, as the 'Frogs swelled their croak-pouches with pride! Set 5, and the 'Frogs were ready to hop away to victory, yet the 'Bats kept clawing back into it, tying set 5 at 5-5, 7-7, 9-9, and 10-10 despite never leading. Burlington went up 11-10 and never led by more than 2, yet 2 is just enough in volleyball for the 15-13 upset at -6, which was the 2nd highest of the weekend and is our current #3 highest for the season (tied with a few other matches). Congrats to Aires, and Welcome Back to the column, John, for the #2 Upset of the Week! We truly do appreciate the love for the BUM Report when the only comment after a grueling upset match is a very short and simple line: "Hi, Kevin."

And at #1, we had a tie for the new Upset of the Season!!! We'll start in match 11, conference play in the SEC. The Bananas have been the SEC power-to-date, and Senator Mike has been a tough match at home. This past weekend though, plans seemed to be off for the Fern Fruit. After the Red Pandas gnoshed on Baton Rouge's offerings in match 10 until they got tummy aches, and Mike put out an 81 on the road trying to catch Quincy napping in the WGM opener and knock off the #2 seed (4 sets, yet to no final avail), that left little for the middle match. 69 at home. Maybe Mike thought Eduard would be using the Home Win-(away loss)-WGM effort pattern, and would send the Puppies on the road. If so, Mike thought wrong. The Bloodhounds came a huntin', and put a kennel of trouble on the court at 79, 10-ratings-points better, and promptly taking the opening set 25-23. And then the Bananarama-Men punched back! Set 2 fell to the home side, 20-25, followed by a near-equal 21-25 set 3! Set 4 was going Starkville's way again, jumping to a 4-0 opening lead, and being up by 7 points at 16-9, and 6 points at 22-16. 22-16! Surely this one is all-but-over and we faced a tasty set 5. But no, and don't call me Shirley! When down 24-20, the (near-universally-hated) Bananas rallied for four-straight, and then refused to go down again with Starkville serving for set point at 25-24. They capped the set with the two runs of 4 and 3 around the Bloodhounds' sole kill, as MB Gabbiadini will no doubt be in the Cone of Shame this week following getting blocked at possible set point at 24-23, and then hitting the ball out for the final point as the -10 Upset (tied) of the Season came to a close!

And was that just a Tie for the Upset of the Season (thus far)?! Yes, yes it was! On the opposite end of the above-noted massive clash of Pekin (90) at Columbia (92), we had an opening WGM match between Tucson (57) and Manitowoc (67). Both teams had apparently checked the brackets and decided that winning just wasn't worth the effort, as the winner gets the prize of traveling to overall #1 seed Columbia for the second round. Even if there had been an upset, the bloodthirsty Bloodhounds would have come prowling, which is hardly a consolation prize for the faint of heart (and lineups). Instead, both the Spikin Sagueros and the Weeping Angels' cousins played their best lines in conference matches and rolled out a collective 124 rating (lowest of the entire session). In theory, Derek's team had the better chance of winning. In Olmecian Theory, odds are mostly just fun facts for cocktail parties and the BUM report. The Cacklin' Catci gleefully gobbled up the Gargoyle serving, and coasted in three of the four sets, despite a nice set 2 rally (24-26) by the home team. No doubt this sets up the Sellers household for a back-and-forth of immense proportions! Who had the Blowout of the Week and best team record so far, first to 10 wins, had a 6-match win streak, and already has a 5* recruit? Quincy! Who has a tie for the Upset of the Week and thus-far Upset of the Season at -10, leads the Big 8, has a current 6-match win streak, and also has a 5* recruit on the books? Tucson! It's Al & Amy's World for the BUM Report, Session 4, and we're seriously hoping Max has a programmed backdoor way in to totally randomly not-rig the opening TMVL Cup round to have these two square off this season!

And topping off with MORE tidbits of TMVL-Knowledge to impress your friends, spouses, and/or friendly spouses: the absolute juggernaut smash-match that was Starkville (#32) at Columbia (#1) for the WGM knockout opener was a 5-set thriller, capping off with a 20-22 set 5, for the highest set 5 points we've seen so far this season, and the combined 227 points is the 2nd-highest total of the season too! Columbia's down 2-0 rally has them as the team to beat, as if the #1 seed didn't already say that. If a team like Eduard's can't muster just one more set in three tries, what chance do the rest of us have? (Maybe only Amy's ridiculous luck for a 2nd-round upset can stave off the inevitable hardware). Cincinnati reminded everyone that they're still here and might just be a decent team, as they came out with a high-flying 93-rated team in their WGM match, highest we've seen yet this season. Pekin saw it coming though, and kept the T7 safely back in the pods, sending a sacrificial 68 while keeping their perfect conference play as the season priority. Also in Match 12, WGM knockout play, San Jose put out a 91 at home (3rd highest this season) while Schenectady sent a 54 on the road. One of these things is very, very not like the other. The resulting 37-pt rating difference was the highest of the round, though this one ended with San Jose winning by a combined 31 points, and just missed being a blowout of the week. You gotta wonder, is Vick's heart really in it this season? This had "squished squirrel in the middle of the road" written all over it. Are the Shrimp too merciful for this league, and is that the coach's doing? Inquiring minds want to know, and the BUM Report will tell all in coming sessions! Until then, as always, comment on the oddities and excitities (that's a word, we think) that we missed in the comments below, and best of fortunes Upsetting and Blowing Away your competition in session 5!

And a repeat of our Public Safety Announcement for the session: Do Not Feed the Anteaters! They acquire tastes for things other than Ant(ioch?)s, and that's bad for the rest of us!